MY FATHER EXPLAINS THE IRAQ WAR

TITLE: MY FATHER EXPLAINS THE IRAQ WAR

DAD steps into a spotlight.

DAD

Basically it's like this: you spend all your time telling some country that they are your enemy and they are the Great Satan or whatever,  and that you're gonna attack them  like no matter what, and that you have all these weapons and then guess what? You get attacked.

DAD takes a puff of his cigarette. Contemplates.

DAD

Oh, and by the way? That country you're, like, insulting? It's the most powerful country in the world. So.

DAD looks around.

DAD

What do you got here, is that crown molding? That's nice. I put it in about half of my rooms then I was like You know what? Screw this. And I got a guy to do the rest.

DAD puts out his cigarette, folds his arms.

DAD

Here's the thing: you're on the playground. You're not the biggest kid there, okay? By a longshot. And there's this big kid. And you walk up and tell how you're gonna kick his ass, and you're all big. Oh and by the way, you beat up kids smaller than you all the time! Guess what? You get attacked.

DAD kinda laughs to himself.

DAD

It's not, like, hard math or something, you know? This is like, easy.

Dad puts his hands in his pockets, rocks back and forth on his heels.

DAD

Is that an exposed brick wall? I'll tell you what you do: you go to the hardware store and by sealant. You spray it on yourself -- it's like, EASY. Guys will charge you like an arm and a leg but I swear to God you could do it in like, an hour.

Dad inspects his shirt, flicks some dust off of his shoulders.

DAD

Of course then you get rid of that kid and now there's like, a whole country to run, and everyone's fighting to be in charage and -- I mean, that's not easy. I'm not saying it's all just, whatever, wham bam thank you ma'am -- we're out of here. But the first part, this guy saying stuff? Boom. No problem.

He lights another cigarette.

DAD

You mouth off? Guess what. You get attacked.

Slow fade! I don't know.