PREFERS TO BUY ONLINE

GIRL approaches SALESWOMAN at counter.

GIRL

I love these earrings. Do you sell them online?

SALESWOMAN

Actually we don't sell merchandise online, but I'd be happy to ring you up right here.

GIRL

No, that's okay. Let me see if anyone is selling your product used on ebay.

SALESWOMAN

Why do you prefer to buy it online.

GIRL

It's easier. I pay electronically and then it ships right to my door.

SALESWOMAN

But you can pay electronically here and I'll hand you the product.

GIRL

I don't have my credit card here. I just have the number memorized.

SALESWOMAN

Oh. Ah, look I see you have bought something with us before, in 2005, and I can just charge this to that account.

GIRL

I guess. Let me see the packaging you'll use.

SALESWOMAN

I'm just going to place this in a bag.

GIRL

I demand bubblewrap. Snugly pressing my products against the cardboard.

SALESWOMAN

But I... okay, okay... I can prepare it that way.

GIRL

And then can you mail it to this address?

SALESWOMAN

I can just hand it to you RIGHT NOW.

GIRL

So bulky!

SALESWOMAN

They're EARRINGS.

GIRL

I like got get mail! It makes me feel alive!

SALESWOMAN

Fine! I'll mail it to you. I'll have it shipped to your door.

GIRL

What other products might I enjoy, if I enjoy this product?

SALESWOMAN

Excuse me?

GIRL

I'm accustomed to being upsold at this time.

SALESWOMAN

Well, I don't know. You might like some other silver earrings.

GIRL

Other silver earrings? Don't you want to cross-promote a different type of product altogether? Some books? A tutoring service?

SALESWOMAN

No, we don't sell those things.

GIRL

I'd like to change the items in my cart.

SALESWOMAN

You're not holding a cart.

GIRL

Not a real one. Wait, there are real carts?

SALESWOMAN

Sigh. Here. Place your hand in this. It will transport you into the internet where you can live out the rest of your life.

The SALESWOMAN takes out a white plastic box the size of a pencil sharpener. There's the imprint of a hand in it.

GIRL

Okay.

The GIRL crackles, becomes translucent, then vanishes.

SALESWOMAN

My commissions are terrible.