ASK, TELL
DRILL SERGEANT addresses TROOPS.
DRILL SERGEANT
Attention! The government has revoked its policy of "Don't
Ask, Don't Tell" in terms of homosexual troops. Any members of this troop who
are homosexual may feel free to disclose that as they wish!
PRIVATE 1
Sir, I think your hat is gay, Sir!
SERGEANT
Private! Are you criticizing a superior officer?
PRIVATE 1
Exercising my right to call things gay, sir!
SERGEANT
Private, that is not the policy. You are allowed to disclose
your own sexual orientation, not make homophobic remarks.
PRIVATE 1
Sir, sorry, sir!
PRIVATE 2
Sir! I would like to suck your dick, sir!
SERGEANT
That is WAY out of line, private!
PRIVATE 2
But, sir! The policy!
SERGEANT
...says nothing about propositioning other people. And
certain not a superior officer while you are at attention!
PRIVATE 2
Sir, sorry sir!
PRIVATE 3
Sir, I don't like the way Private Smith sucks dick! It's gay!
SERGEANT
Don't suck each others dicks. And if you do, don't talk about
it. And if you do, don't be... rude?
PRIVATE 3
Sir, sorry, sir!
SERGEANT
I'm going to forgive all these comments since we're learning
a new policy! But let's move on to today's exercise. Can someone tell me what
the proper procedure to follow when surrounded by snipers in the woods?
PRIVATE 1
Sir! Announce that you are homosexual, sir!
SERGEANT
No! You do NOT announce that you are gay!
PRIVATE 1
Sir, I shouldn't have to wait for them to ask, sir!
SERGEANT
Yes, but... I mean, if you speak you will reveal your
position to snipers, private!
PRIVATE 1
Sir, I understand, sir!
SERGEANT
I mean, are you gay?
PRIVATE 1
Sir, no, sir!
SERGEANT
So why would you say you were, even if you were going to say
something.
PRIVATE 1
The policy sir! "Always tell everyone you are gay!"
LONG BEAT.
SERGEANT
You people need to be smarter.