ASK, TELL

DRILL SERGEANT addresses TROOPS.

DRILL SERGEANT

Attention! The government has revoked its policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in terms of homosexual troops. Any members of this troop who are homosexual may feel free to disclose that as they wish!

PRIVATE 1

Sir, I think your hat is gay, Sir!

SERGEANT

Private! Are you criticizing a superior officer?

PRIVATE 1

Exercising my right to call things gay, sir!

SERGEANT

Private, that is not the policy. You are allowed to disclose your own sexual orientation, not make homophobic remarks.

PRIVATE 1

Sir, sorry, sir!

PRIVATE 2

Sir! I would like to suck your dick, sir!

SERGEANT

That is WAY out of line, private!

PRIVATE 2

But, sir! The policy!

SERGEANT

...says nothing about propositioning other people. And certain not a superior officer while you are at attention!

PRIVATE 2

Sir, sorry sir!

PRIVATE 3

Sir, I don't like the way Private Smith sucks dick! It's gay!

SERGEANT

Don't suck each others dicks. And if you do, don't talk about it. And if you do, don't be... rude?

PRIVATE 3

Sir, sorry, sir!

SERGEANT

I'm going to forgive all these comments since we're learning a new policy! But let's move on to today's exercise. Can someone tell me what the proper procedure to follow when surrounded by snipers in the woods?

PRIVATE 1

Sir! Announce that you are homosexual, sir!

SERGEANT

No! You do NOT announce that you are gay!

PRIVATE 1

Sir, I shouldn't have to wait for them to ask, sir!

SERGEANT

Yes, but... I mean, if you speak you will reveal your position to snipers, private!

PRIVATE 1

Sir, I understand, sir!

SERGEANT

I mean, are you gay?

PRIVATE 1

Sir, no, sir!

SERGEANT

So why would you say you were, even if you were going to say something.

PRIVATE 1

The policy sir! "Always tell everyone you are gay!"

LONG BEAT.

SERGEANT

You people need to be smarter.