Spite presents:

No doubt about it. Red Sox:
This Is Their Year!
(2004 edition)- CALLED IT!
by Kevin Hines and Will Hines

(Don't forget to see
Red Sox: This is Their Year, 2004 edition - CALLED IT!
Red Sox: This is Their Year, 2003 edition, or
Red Sox: This is Their Year, 2002 edition, or
Red Sox: This is Their Year, 2001 edition, or
Red Sox: This is Their Year, 2000 edition, or
Red Sox: This is Their Year, 1999 edition, or
Red Sox: This is Their Year, 1998 edition.)

No question about it. The Boston Red Sox have locked up the 2004 World Series. Many baseball fans might doubt this, largely because they have not won a World Series since 1918, and are possibly cursed after trading away the great Babe Ruth in 1920 to their rivals, the New York Yankees ("The Curse of The Bambino," as it is known).

But how can you write off a team that came within one out of making the World Series last year? And since then has added a proven Yankee killer in pitcher Curt Schilling? And also added an incredible closer to finish off tough games with Keith Foulke? Answer: you can't. The Red Sox are built to win in the postseason and this year's World Series is a done deal.

Of course, a lot of baseball fans might note that the Yankees, once again, have a better record. That's true. And that last winter they added one of the best players in the game, Alex Rodriguez. Okay, fine. And that the Red Sox are notoriously streaky. Yeah. But a lot of these same baseball fans don't have the clarity step back and take into account THESE undeniable facts:

  1. Addition By Subtraction The Red Sox traded away their most popular player, shortstop Nomar Garciapara. Now, we miss Nomar, no question. BUT with trading Nomar, they also traded away his number, 5. Now watch the magic: You take 5 away from 1918 (the Red Sox last championship) and you get 1913. Drop the 19, and you're left with 13, a well-known unlucky number. Not good, right? Wrong! Because the bad luck from the number 13 CANCELS OUT the bad luck from the Red Sox curse! Paint by numbers, baseball, and you'll find the only color on your World Series canvas is a Boston RED!

    2. (We still miss Nomar).

  2. Hurricanes A record four hurricanes will have struck America by the end of this year. While they have, to date, hit only the southern coast of the U.S., the threat is always there that they could travel north. Such a prospect probably has the Yanks shaking in their boots and worrying about their houses. That kinda stress will run down the whole Yankee lineup by the playoffs. But Boston's players are ready for anything! Harsh New England weather has toughened up the Beantown bashers. And with Boston tucked a secure 150 miles further north, the Sox have less worry about their beautiful Boston homes. Our accu-weather forecast? The only storm clouds for Boston are ones raining World Series rings!
  3. NYC Sitcoms Are Dead With the end of Friends recently, the era of NYC sitcoms is over. Even spinoff 'friend' Joey left for Los Angeles! As TV abandons the city of New York city so has World Series Dominance. Luckily the Red Sox are poised to take over the slot! Don't touch that dial! The World Series ratings are in, and it's the Boston Red Sox with a 100% share!
  4. Bonds Is Awesome! Barry Bonds hit his 700th Home Run this year! Only two other players have ever done that: Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth. This really has no effect on the Red Sox but you have got to marvel at that number. Anyway.

    5. (We miss Nomar).

  5. Angel In The Outfield Red Sox center field Johnny Damon hasn't cut his hair since last year. The media has compared his flowing locks to images of Jesus Christ and some fans call themselves Damon's Disciples. We all know the Yankees have to follow strict rules about grooming and behavior. It only follows that such rule-followers are ALSO very religious! Do you think the clearly more religous Yankees can ignore the visage of Jesus Christ in the outfield? Neither do we. Too nervous to defy a messiah, the Yankees will crumble this October. Hallelujah! Mine eyes have seen the glory of the Red Sox winning the World Series!
  6. The Yankees Are Too Pretty. Another side of the strict grooming is that Yankees are a bunch of pretty boys! Have you seen them lately?. All nervously clean shaven! Anxiously Short hair! Uniforms all tensely cleaned and pressed! These guys are spending so much time with tweezers and hand cream that they're exhausted by the time they hit the field! Now look at the Red Sox: Calmly weird mohawks. Confident corn rows. Huge bushy hair serenely poking its way out of a baseball cap. This is a team that has more important things to do then make itself presentable. While the Yanks are preening, the Sox will be slugging. I cannot tell a lie, a 2004 Red Sox championship is the fairest of them all.

    7. There you have it! Indisputable proof that this is the year the Red Sox will win the World Series.

    (We miss Nomar).
    Please?

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