Disclaimer: We know that for every generalization about pop music, there are hundreds of exceptions. But this isn't about the college radio floor-gazing guitar band you heard once, or the critically-acclaimed Canadian pianist who had half of a hit before vaporizing from public view. This is about Big Pop Music -- the bands that show up on MTV every time we watch, that turn up in our friends' car stereos every time we went to the movies, that appear on the cover of Rolling Stone, People, and GQ every time we pass the newsstand. You know what we mean. Don't jerk us around. - WH Spite presents: Rock Around The Suck by Brian Hines Foreigner, Linkin Park = Exactly The Same The problem with you people is that the bands you love today are just as bad as the bands you make fun of. And I'm not talking to the fans of pop acts like N Sync or Britney Spears. The bone I want to pick is with the rock super-group maniac followers of today. That's right, I have nothing against Mandy Moore. Her music is supposed to be sweet and light and almost meaningless. But people who think Creed and Linkin Park are anything more than a modern-day Foreigner are fooling themselves. You make fun of Warrant? Well Papa Roach has a different look but it's the same idea. They don't have the big hair or the mascara. They have the leather pants, black sleeveless T shirts, and tattoos. And every single rock band dresses this same way. All that separates Coby Dick from Fred Durst or any other modern rocker is the number of tattoos! And I haven't seen a sleeve on MTV in months! Poison and Whitesnake seemed to think that they were actually being tough rock stars when in retrospect they were just plain cheesy. I guarantee you, you'll think the same thing about Nickleback in 5 years. Stapp, 2001 Perry, 1980 Think back to Journey's hugely popular ballad "Open Arms." Now remember Creed's "With Arms Wide Open". Do you see my point? Both of these bands are personified by their lead singers, scored big hits with rock songs, but dominated the charts with a boring ballad. Every rock song today sounds the same. Scream, scream, scream with the occasional weak white-boy rap. Drive up I-91 in Connecticut and try to find a good rock song on the radio. You'll be listening to the oldies station or digging for a mix tape from 6 years ago in no time. It isn't always like this. Sure Eddie Vedder screamed and mumbled just like Staind, but his songs were good. And each good band had its own sound. Soundgarden and Pearl Jam are both labeled as Seattle Grunge Bands. But, when you listen you can hear a difference between "Jeremy" and "Black Hole Sun." I can't tell a stink of difference between P.O.D.'s "Alive" and Linkin Park's "In the End". All the male rock stars of today are unbearably boring. Scott Stapp sang his band's current hit single "My Sacrifice" at the VH1 your Music Awards in 2001. Wow! Who saw that coming? I hadn't heard that song in 10 minutes. Give me Kurt Cobain, who almost didn't go on the MTV Video Music Awards because the execs wanted him to play the new single "Lithium". (He only played "Lithium" after MTV executives threatened to fire producer Amy Finnerty, who he enjoyed working with, if he didn't.) And the guy still had the balls to play the beginning of "Rape Me" just to get one little jab in on the big-wigs. Happy, Good Pained, Not Good Thankfully, today's female rock stars are still as cool as hell. I'll put Gwen Stefani up against Aaron Lewis any day. Gwen has an awesome voice, style, and a very crucial ingredient: a sense of humor. She's having fun on the stage and isn't scared to actually admit it. Her job rules, and you'll hear about straight from her. When I see Aaron Lewis sing it looks like he's passing a kidney stone. Cheer up fella, you have a million dollars. The women of rock music are thankfully carrying the flag these days. Along with Gwen we still have Shirley Manson, Tori Amos, Courtney Love, Fiona Apple, Nina Gordon, and Alanis Morisette. Let's admit it. We're in a rock music lull. Let's just hope it passes sooner than later. There's been lulls before. My brother swears that radio in the late 1980's was the most painful tragedy in the history of sound. Motley Crue, a Sammy Haggar-fronted Van Halen, Def Leppard, and Bon Jovi were all rock gods. Teen Idol Lennon "Teen" Idol Sedaka Prior lulls include the pre-punk rock 1970s which featured Jethro Tull, weak Black Sabbath, The Eagles, and Wings. And even earlier, the early 60s (post-Buddy Holly, pre-Beatles) were god-awful. The likes of Fabian, Ricky Nelson, cookie cutter girl-groups, and Neil Sedaka flooded the air waves. And we're suffering through a rock music drought right now. The good news is that these bad times are historically followed by kick-ass, popular rock music. Frank Sinatra was followed by Elvis Presley and Chuck Berry. Neil Sedaka was replaced with the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. After Wings came the Clash and Blondie. And Motley Crue was pushed aside by Nirvana and the Smashing Pumpkins. Not Boring Joke Unnecessary I wish I wasn't such a rural white boy and knew more about hip-hop because as far as I can tell, it's the only cool music left. What little I've heard from Dr. Dre, Eminem, Snoop Dogg, Outkast, and the Wu Tang Clan has everything rock music is missing: style, balls, good songs, and a sense of humor. You must be funny to have your teeth plated with platinum. So what poverty-stricken songwriter is sitting in the middle of Wisconsin is waiting to rescue youth culture? When can we expect the leather-clad Japanese punk band to cross the Pacific Ocean? Will we be lining up around the block to see 4 over-weight rockers from Germany? Nobody can predict what will be next, but it sure won't suck.

Brian once lip-synched the Peter, Paul and Mary version of "Puff the Magic Dragon" with the physical mannerisms of Eddie Vedder.

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