Harold Night 2003 — 6 of 27

Chapter 1 - Doing Bits

Bitting is an action applying to one thing.

Understand "doing bits with [something]" as bitting.

Understand "do bit with [something]" as bitting.

Understand "do bits with [something]" as bitting.

Understand "do a bit with [something]" as bitting.

An object can be bitted or unbitted. An object is usually unbitted.

Check bitting:

if noun is player:

say "The only bit you can do with yourself is pursuing long-form improv for several years." instead;

if player is in Arena:

say "Uh, everything is a bit here. You are currently in the middle of a comedy show." instead.

Carry out bitting:

if noun is an improv group:

say "You tell [noun] that they've been booked for the Showtime National Short-Form Festival. They all cheer." instead;

if noun is not a person:

if noun is Will Hines:

say "Your bit is telling Will that he is currently a character in a text adventure that he creates in the future. He nods and says 'That makes sense.'" instead;

else if noun is Kevin Hines:

say "Your bit for Kevin is telling him that he will one day be one of the most popular teachers at the UCB and on a weekend team. He says 'Great! Maybe then I'll get a callback at the next Harold auditions!'" instead;

else if noun is skull:

say "You do a bit with the skull. 'Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him...' Ah, never mind, this is too obvious." instead;

else if noun is DVD:

say "You do a bit with the DVD. You pretend that you were in the show." instead;

else if noun is ucbers or noun is ioers:

say "You're too scared to do bits with Del's students in front of him." instead;

else:

say "Sure, why not. You do a bit with the [noun]." instead;

if noun is:

-- Besser:

if Besser is cold:

say "You start to do a bit, but Besser interrupts and grouses that no one promotes their shows anymore. 'Someone prove to me that people still promote their shows!'";

else:

say "You look like you want to do a bit. Besser picks up on that and invites you to join his short-form improv troupe 'Comedy Squad'. That is a bit. He did not belong to such a thing.";

-- Roberts:

if Roberts is cold:

say "You want to do a bit, but Ian looks uninterested. He mumbles how he wishes he could do a new sketch show every year, the way his favorite musician Elvis Costello releases an album every year.";

else:

say "You tell him you love short form. Roberts picks up on the bit so fast it's not clear he's joking when he says 'I hate to do this, but the philosophy of my theater compels me to ban you forever.' and he points to the door. Great use of philosophy. Also, though he's clearly joking but you can sense he will not drop this bit for the rest of his life. Ian makes you take this seriously.";

-- Walsh:

if Walsh is cold:

say "He nods in a friendly way, but doesn't seem interested in doing a bit right now. You notice he is wearing a Chicago Bears T-shirt.";

else:

say "You and Walsh do a bit where you both agree it would be smart to walk up to Louis C.K. at a party and ask to pick his brain about comedy. Walsh says that would be a terrific idea, urging you to do it. 'You should, ' he says. 'Walk right up to everyone famous, ever, and say 'Hey, could I pick your brain?' ";

-- Poehler:

if Amy is cold:

say "She's in a good mood, but seems pre-occupied and doesn't want to do a bit. She mumbles to herself 'Where did I put that painting?'";

else:

say "You and Amy do a bit where the Wu-Tang clan was just here, looking for you. In the bit, Method Man is very OCD about keeping track of friends of the Wu-Tang. Amy insists that RZA got all of his ideas from watching you guys play Pictionary. ";

-- Mullaney:

if Mullaney is cold:

say "Mullaney doesn't seem interested in doing bits. He seems a bit pre-occupied by a book he's holding.";

else:

say "You and Mullaney do a bit where you and he want to do an improv show called 'Zero Beats' in which nothing happens. 'Actually I might want to do that,' he considers after you're done doing the bit.";

-- Delaney:

if Delaney is cold:

say "Delaney doesn't seem into a bit right now. Instead, he mumbles hello and calls you by a name that is wrong but close enough to your real name that he might be joking. You tell him you admired his last show, and he admits he nicked one of the characters from something Rick Moranis did on an old episode of SCTV. Then he says he's recently lost a VHS tape of SCTV episodes that he misses.";

else:

say "Delaney's bit is just barely a bit and is actually mostly true: he tells you that one day you and he will leave this godforsaken theater and go to Vermont and open a proper book store, like decent human beings. It doesn't sound like a bit as much as sincere plea to change both of your lives. It somehow makes you laugh and also re-think your whole life.";

-- Billy:

if Billy is cold:

say "Billy's not really into a bit. Instead, he tells you about his Ninja Improv class where the students dress up as ninjas and only do improv in a bright spotlight. Yes, that is a class that happened.";

else:

say "Actually it's YOU who want to do a bit, but you're nervous. You make a tentative joke (something about ninjas and the FSU football team). It's weak, but Billy laughs. And he has a big confident laugh that convinces you and many nervous new performers just like you that you are indeed funny.";

-- Christina:

if Christina is cold:

say "Christina says 'Oh, I can't do bits right now. I have an audition tomorrow morning and I'm a nervous wreck. If only I had a way to calm down.'";

else:

say "Christina begins her bit. She makes intense eye contact and says 'Where were you last night? We were supposed to meet at the top of the Empire State Building? Don't you remember? You PROMISED me, you jerk!' She folds her arms and spins away from you defiantly, but also giggling so you know it's a joke.";

-- Del:

if Del is cold:

say "No bits. I'm looking for an object that will really blow my mind.";

else:

say "Del says 'You want a bit?' He then looks at you and does the PERFECT BIT. Oh man, it's the funniest thing anyone has ever said to you! So funny that your brain struggles to hold on to the memory of it and you can feel it fading….. fading…. ";

if pamphlet is in iO Theatre:

say "You vanish and reappear in the UCB Theatre…wait.... things have... changed.";

now skull is in iO Theatre;

now player is in NYC Improv Megapolis;

else:

say "You vanish and reappear in the Chill-Out room of the UCB Theatre.";

now player is in Chill-Out Room;

now the player is holding the skull;

say "Amy says, 'Oh, you found the Del skull. Cool.'";

-- John Flynn:

say "John makes a series of judgments about how badly improvisers shop for pants.";

-- Gethard:

say "You challenge Gethard to a fight with broadswords, which unfortunately for both of you he accepts.";

-- Charlie:

say "Charlie challenges you to a ten hour game of Axis and Allies. It's a bit but also he would do it.";

-- Chris:

say "Chris's bit is that he invites you to pitch for the Detroit Tigers and then refers to you as if you were the drummer of the early 80s soft-rock group Toto.";

-- Katie:

say "Katie says she's do bits later, asks if you have any cigarettes, then gets pulled back into the notes discussion.";

-- David:

say "David is not into bits, He says he wants to give you a book, and can't decide between 'Black Swan Green' by David Mitchell or 'Farts' by Bobcat Goldthwait. Wait, that WAS a bit.";

-- Jeff:

say "Jeff won't do a bit right now. Instead, he apologizes for being bad in an indie show he performed with you at, which is weird because at that show he got a standing ovation.";

-- Angeliki:

say "Instead of a bit, Angeliki compliments you on your last show in a warm and affecting way, and what's more is she seems to have actually watched it.";

-- MacLaughlin:

say "MacLaughlin is ready to do a bit. He describes the proper way to gut a hostile vagabond, should one attack you.";

-- Bobby:

say "Bobby launches into a bit where you and he reminisce about being cast members of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, something which is not true.";

-- Pat Baer:

say "Pat says 'Did you see 'Kung-Fu Grip' with Huebel and Riggle? Oh my God. It. Was. Awesome. Oh and I don't feel like doing bits right now.'";

-- Arnie:

say "Arnie dryly suggests that you two perform all of your scenes in Esperanto. That would be fun, he states.";

-- Dennis:

say "Dennis speaks with the perfect mannerisms and voice of the actor Michael Caine. No reason that you can discern.";

-- Victor:

say "Victor tells you the true story of how earlier today in Herald Square he almost got into a fistfight with a horse.";

-- Cecile:

say "Cecile's eyes are big and wide and excited. She smiles genuinely and pats your back happily.";

-- Michelle:

say "Michelle regards you with a withering deadpan glare for a moment, then playfully bares her teeth and pretends to devour Arnie's head.";

-- Jenna:

say "Jenna points out that there is no difference between being backstage for a Harold or waiting to be executed.";

-- Henry:

say "Henry waves off talking, he's trying to save energy. He's also sweat completely through his shirt.";

-- Sarah:

say "You and Sarah briefly pretend that you are both manifestations of the color blue.";

-- Lennon:

say "Lennon gestures you to come closer, and once you learn forward she whispers into your ear 'I. Am. Made. Of. Waterbirds.";

-- Joe:

say "Joe says bits are dumb. Then asks if you're on that website Friendzo and that maybe you two should be Friendzos.";

-- Brett:

say "Brett states that he is very into Cascading Style Sheets. He admits it's not a joke, but it is something he's interested in discussing.";

-- Risa:

say "Risa makes a tiny fist and mimes swinging it at you. Then smiles and pats your back. 'How's that? Good bit?'";

-- Zach:

say "Zach's bit is earnestly asking you how you are. You spend about ten minutes in silence contemplating your whole life.";

-- Erik:

say "Erik's bit is asking if the blowjob machine is fixed. When you say you don't know what he means, he points at his own crotch. Then he laughs and asks, seriously, if you've read the novel 2066 and what do you think of it?";

-- Anthony:

say "Anthony does a logical bit. He points out that you're spying, and that could probably be arrested for terrorism.";

-- Chuck:

say "Chuck's bit is a startlingly good impersonation of Bing Crosby for a few seconds before shrugging it off.";

-- Terry:

say "Terry has no time for bits. Instead, he says 'I was a student at Ithaca College taking a trip to Chicago where I saw a show at ImprovOlympic theatre. There on the floor was a pamphlet, ' (he shows you the pamphlet YOU dropped there in 1994). 'Using the information in this pamphlet I was able to beat the UCB at forming an improv theatre in NYC, and then quickly and easily grew it into the most powerful corporate improv force on the planet Earth. I not only OWN improv now, I AM improv. And YOU work for me!' Then he laughs maniacally.";

end the story finally saying "You make cookie-cutter improv for the rest of your life.";

-- Neil:

say "Neil is too occupied with fixing the modem to do bits. You hear him say to Chad something you don't understand but which sounds like : '[one of]Let's Linux up the server kernel[or]Low-level telnet port is ramped[or]Linux Minix Red Hat BSD[or]Try rebooting it[at random].'";

-- Chad:

say "Chad is too occupied with fixing the modem to do bits. You hear him say to Neil something you don't understand but which sounds like: '[one of]Just a guess: reformat sector 4xAB?[or]A hunch: let's solder the transitors with my home-made laser[or]Just for the heck of it: let's teach this thing to learn[or]Try rebooting it[at random].'";

-- Superfan:

say "No bits from Superfan. This is an always-serious creature. Instead you get advice: '[one of]I prefer an improviser who remembers rather than invents[or]The pattern game is truly the most noble of all openings[or]I prefer my connections to be organic, not forced[or]I do not like my initiations to be ham-fisted, rather natural[or]Walk-ons are like pepper, let's not have too much spice[or]There is no more beautiful and wild creature than The Harold[at random].'";

-- otherwise:

say "You say something false as if it were true, and the person agrees."

Report bitting:

if noun is a cold teacher:

say "[noun] has an improv lesson for you, if you give [him-her] the right gift.";

else:

if the noun is not bitted or noun is Terry Jinn:

now the noun is bitted;

else:

if noun is person:

say "(And yeah, you've already done that bit but you both pretend to not notice.)";

else:

say "You've done that bit but aren't sure people heard you the first time.".